They are sitting at a table next to him. The man, in his thirties, well kept, wealthy. He has positioned his hands so that his watch is clearly visible and he glances quickly at it every now and then. She is roughly the same age, her face eager to hear what he is explaining.
He is going back on promises, some bigger, some smaller. She doesn’t distinguish, the damage is the same. She doesn’t say anything. He asks her if she's ok and she nods. Sitting within an arm's reach of the couple, Nils tries not to stare. Nils would like to hit that weak, self-absorbed man if it were only any of his business and not so humiliating to the woman. She seems fragile enough as it is. The woman is far from all right, anyone can see that. He’s just broken her and now he wants to hear there is no problem. Everything is fine. She tells him so.
He gets up to go to the bathroom. She starts to cry quietly. She doesn’t bother to hide her face. When he comes back he looks almost cheerful, in his view she's taking it well, there doesn’t seem to be a scene. He’s managed to sit down, take a sip of his drink and adjust his sleeve so that it doesn’t cover the beautiful watch before he notices that she's crying.
He’s annoyed. For chrissake stop, not here. Where then? Nils, throwing sideway glances, asks himself. Where can she do this if not here in front of him? He doesn’t console her and she is left isolated on that side of the table. She knows he doesn’t love her like she loves him.
Nils tries not to look, although he is sat at the table next to the couple - it is vulgar, this deceitful social dance. The handsome young man says he is sorry. He’s lying. He says he doesn’t want to do this. He’s lying. She cries. He says he loves her and this is true. His love is the puny, thrifty kind that takes care of himself absolutely before his lover. Nothing warm or great or protective about his love. For the woman who is hte object of his love it offers no shelter, this much is obvious even to her. She looks tired and asks him why doesn’t he just stop loving her and leave her so that she could get over it. She says his love does not mean that he would think for a moment not to hurt her. She says: "Please leave me alone."
He says nothing. At least he isn't lying. It is obvious to all in the restaurant that she doesn’t mean what she asked from him. But he doesn’t know what then, what does she mean, what would be good for her? The candles are lit on the tables, it is a warm night outside. The love affair has turned into an account book of who hurt whom more, and now they are both tired.
Nils gets up from the observers' table and leaves the bar. She is still crying silently, he is lying about his reasons. When he leaves he wants to think about something else. He thinks about cotton, about the sea, about good friends. It doesn’t really chase away that feeling of disappointment. He has just witnessed a betrayal, the kind that happens most often. The 'you don’t mind, do you' kind. The deliberate closing of eyes when after your eyes are shut from the pain of another there is no one there to see any sign of suffering because no one else is as close. No one else is obliged to look. No one else has the duty to note the woman's heartache. He has made her invisible.
Nils hates the nauseating feeling he has, the fear that he might not be so different from the Judas he was watching back there.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment